Navigating the Path of Grief: Losing Both Parents in Four Months
Grief is a complex and deeply personal experience. It defines a linear path, and its effects are unique to each individual. As I reflect on the loss of both my parents within four months, first my Dad and then my Mom, I find myself grappling with its profound impact on me. For the past four years, I have been in caregiver mode, tending to their needs as they battled various health issues. My Mom was diagnosed with dementia and kidney disease, while my Dad grappled with macular degeneration and hearing loss.
The initial years were dedicated to assessing their ability to manage their lives at home amidst mental decline. I helped with bills, medications, doctor appointments, house cleaning, driving, and eventually assisting my Mom with bathing. In the third year, we made the difficult decision to move them to an assisted living memory care facility. Mom resided in memory care, while Dad stayed in independent living in the same facility. However, as his eyesight declined, Dad joined Mom in memory care, where he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s after being legally blind.
Living just ten minutes away, I became their advocate, shopper, bill payer, and driver. But above all, I remained their daughter, visiting them almost every day, inviting them over to my house for visits and meals, and cherishing the moments we had together as their mental decline and dementia slowly took hold. Being more aware of the situation, Dad required more attention, and I devoted myself to making him feel as comfortable as possible. Throughout it all, he rarely complained and accepted the “temporary” living arrangements, believing that he would soon return home but stayed for Mom’s sake. Mom’s dementia continued to progress, although she still recognized us. Redirecting her became a regular practice, and she found joy in the routines and activities provided by memory care. Overall, she was content and happy, even though neither of them would have desired this stage of life.
Losing Dad was undoubtedly challenging and heartbreaking. I was unprepared for the multitude of tasks that awaited me after his passing. Despite thinking I was well-versed in his health insurance and finances, I found myself retracing my steps from four years ago when I first delved into his bills and financial matters. We had always hoped that Dad would be the first to go, as it would have been even more challenging to justify their stay in the facility without Mom’s presence. Eventually, Dad’s dementia and confusion caught up with his declining eyesight, and three weeks after a fall, he peacefully surrendered to God.
Mom didn’t fully grasp Dad’s absence. She inquired about him for a few weeks, but her questions gradually waned as her decline escalated. She became more focused on completing her tasks, tidying up the common areas and apartment, and speaking fondly of going home to Ma and Pa. She was embarking on her journey towards the end of her life. With Dad’s passing, my sole focus shifted to caring for my Mom. In some ways, there was a slight relief that I only had one person to worry about and care for, but the sadness of Dad’s absence still lingered and weighed heavily on me.
Now that Mom is also gone, I find myself once again grappling with the practicalities of life insurance, wills, closing accounts, and the emotional task of sorting through her belongings and emptying her apartment. As I return to work, I struggle with sleepless nights, lying awake and searching for signs of Mom. Throughout the day, thoughts of her consume my mind more than thoughts of Dad. I deeply loved and missed them both, but with Mom’s passing, my memories predominantly center around the years before her decline, when she was of sound mind and body. It is the image of the Mom who cared for me throughout my life, excluding these last few years. The pain and hardships of recent times fade away, akin to how one recalls the experience of childbirth, remembering the essence but not dwelling on the painful details.
Losing a parent is an indescribable loss, and the grief journey is profoundly personal. Each person’s experience is unique as they navigate a labyrinth of emotions. During these moments of reflection, we are reminded of the immeasurable love and care we were able to provide for our parents in their final years. Though the pain of their absence lingers, solace can be found in treasured memories of their love, resilience, and the profound impact they had on shaping our lives.
In the midst of this grieving process, life has its way of offering unexpected moments of connection and joy. Just the other day, a dragonfly landed on me. As I looked down at this delicate creature, a simple greeting escaped my lips, “Hi, Mom.” It was as if this tiny visitor reminded me of my parent’s presence and our enduring bond, even in their physical absence. These small yet powerful encounters serve as precious reminders of our lasting connection with our loved ones, carrying their spirit with us as we navigate the complexities of life without them.
I’m on the lookout for more dragonflies!
